I saw a great and personal documentary by Margreth Olin the other day, “My body”. She is telling the story about her self-confidence, and how it has been affected by comments by others through her life. It all started when she was just a little girl, and a friend of her mother made a comment about her feet. The woman said: “That girl´s feet are not normal. She can never wear sandals.”
There has been a debate going on in Norwegian newspapers lately, about the pressure to look apparently perfect, and how role models are misusing their position. All of this started after the most popular blogger here, Caroline Berg Eriksen, posted a photo of herself in a bikini on her blog. Mrs Berg Eriksen is a fit woman, and she conveys a healthy lifestyle. But some meant that she was adding to the pressure young girls are already under with these photos.
I will not go into that debate her, but only bring up a quote from Mrs Berg Eriksen. She asked if thin people should not be allowed to walk around in a bikini, just because it can upset those with a few kilos extra. She does have a valid point. Should we force fit people to dress neatly or ask them to disappear from the surface of the earth?
Everywhere we hear and read about what we should wear to a festival, on the beach, to parties or something as regular as going to the store to buy milk. “How to look like a Hollywood-star”, “How to apply the perfect make-up” and “These are the most efficient exercises” are common articles between the world news. Are we supposed to go on unaffected?
Personally, I have never cared much about these things. I´ve never been on a diet to lose weight, never used my last pennies on fancy shoes or felt any pressure to wear the right clothes. I love sale, or making new clothes out of old clothes. I am greatly concerned about our planet earth, and act by that. I´ve had no clue, what so ever, about make up, but been trustful to my mascara. But this does not mean that I have been perfectly happy with myself. Far from it. It hasn´t exactly helped that I have a condition that affects my looks a great deal either. But even so, I´ve been stubborn enough to celebrate human diversity.
About 18 months ago, I had to make some big changes in my life for health reasons. I started with daily workouts and a diet that was better for my conditions. After a few weeks, I noticed that my body was changing. I lost some weight, build muscles and my skin was softer and healthier. Since my old wardrobe got too big, I had to buy new outfits. Since my skin was changing, I bought new skincare products. I bought new make-up, new hair products and nail polish. When I noticed I had build visible muscles in my legs, I decided I needed to build more muscles in my arms. When that was showing, I wanted to build more muscles in my tummy.
When I had lost two kilos, I wanted to lose three more. When that goal was reached, I wanted to lose even more. My new clothes got too big -again, and I had to buy new ones. I beat myself up if I cheated on my diet or was “too lazy” to do my workouts one day, and then punished myself with a tougher workout the next day – in fear of gaining a kilo or two. My slavery wore out my body, and I got injuries. I got more and more grumpy, more and more unsatisfied with myself and more and more bitchy.
One day I looked myself in the mirror, and didn´t recognize myself anymore. Who was this crazy person staring back at me? I had started on these changes for health purposes that was absolutely necessary for me. But somewhere along the road, I lead myself in the wrong direction. I had lost focus, got distracted, and chosen a path I never thought I would ever walk. But my question was: Did I do this because I was affected by skinny, sexy, beautiful woman in the magazines? Or was it comments about my looks I´ve received through the years.
I think it was neither. I got overzealous. Addicted. I guess that is only natural for men and woman in similar situations. Look at men in their 50s that suddenly decide to buy a bicycle. After only a couple of weeks, they believe they can participate in a race, and end up half dead half way through it.
But I do not think that has anything to do with comments made by others through the years or a blogger in a bikini. Because: No one can bring you down, unless you let them. Despite that I have never been happy with myself, I have always been happy about being me. I have parts of my mother´s family, and parts of my father´s. I might not have gotten the best parts from any of them. But hey, it´s me. It´s my identity. I cannot, and will not, change that. Changing what is on the outside, will anyhow not change what is on the inside. My whole body is changed. My mind is the same it always has been.
Among the comments on Mrs. Berg Eriksen´s blog, were 12/13 year old girls saying: “I want to be like you! How do I do that?”
You cannot be someone else. You are who you are. You can make changes in your life, changes in your body and changes in your looks. But you will still be you. It is that simple, and that complicated. Mrs. Berg Eriksen´s reply saddens me even more: “Discipline. It is all about discipline”. I was on your side, Caroline, but not after this. Discipline has been my life the past 18 months, and has to be for the rest of my life. But the discipline will never turn me into you. We are two different individuals. That is the greatness of man kind; our diversity. I wish every 12 year old girl could see that, their own beauty, their own identity. But we always want what we cannot have. Do you think Kate Moss is 100% satisfied with herself?
Margreth Olin tells it so beautifully, how the things she has always hated about herself, were the things her boyfriends loved the most. Her teeth, her neck, her feet… But sadly no one can bring you up, unless you let them. We rarely do. Instead we bitch about ourselves, and verbally beat ourselves up. And for what?
Margreth Olin is now 41. She is still not wearing sandals. I am 31. I am still bitching about myself. Will we ever learn?
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